Searching

The time has finally come to address the title of these notes: grace. I think the human soul is always searching for grace, simply to exist, much less to feel meaningful and free.

So to such end, I will not comment myself, but rather pose the question to you, what is grace, exactly? How does it come into our lives? Also, what misconceptions and abuses have people tied to this concept?

Stretching

Just a thought...Why is stretching so very difficult? I am not referring to the shocking lack of muscle flexibility that has recently ensued, but rather of the ongoing process that God takes his children through. Quite often I am reminded of the fact that we do not benefit by running away from difficult situations or people; generally, the very next situation comes built in with the exact type of person from whom you have just bolted.

Now I am not advacating that people stay in miserable or abusive situations so that they can learn from the stress. By no means, I am mearly contending that God places such people in our lives to gently (or sometimes not so gently) grind off the bothersome edges of our personalities. Perhaps this is why most people need to get married or find a best friend, to have a person that actually cares enough to continue working on you long after you have quit.

Todays musings were brought about by another round of roommate drama with the one "friend" I never should have been able to live with. On paper it was a bad idea from the start. We disagree on nearly everything! However, I have done my best to take what God has to teach me from this situation and learn so that I am the one being stretched, the one benefiting from this drama. I can only say that I cannot wait to live with a friend who gently curbs my personality, but with all the love and patience I can only sometimes understand.

Thrive

I find it interesting that a health care company would recently take on a catch line of "thrive." Is that not what each human ought to be doing? Why would it take a television commercial to remind me that I have been marking time rather than making a difference.

To such a revelation I can only respond, "OK, then." I must now discover where my life became so monotinous and seek to revive the tradition of goals clarification. My roommate has taken to posting her goals on the refrigerator. This obvious, constant reminder helps her to keep her life focused on what she would like to accomplish. I, therefore, have now decided to clarify my own goals.

Until such time as they are settled, this will be my aim: move to Woodland, gain back my joy, spend more time talking to God, work out and eat healthy so I can stop feeling dead everyday. I am determined to return to myself, not the depressed, snappy version that has overtaken my body in recent weeks. I am ever so grateful for friends that will call me on it, but love me through as well.

Existing

Some days are wonderful and some are tragic. Life for today feels only in the middle. Someone asked me today when was the last time I cried, then they asked when is the last time I laughed. Sadly, it has been a while since either. I have been wondering around in pure existence. Neither good nor bad emotions of any strength have recently dominated my world.

As I break it down, I realize that it mainly stems from my whole world being up in the air. I have, after serious and constant mental gymnastics, decided to relocate to Woodland, CA (just outside Sac.). This was one of the most difficult decisions I have made in recent years. Not only will I be leaving my favorite city, and the ocean that has the power to calm me, but I will also be moving further from my family in LA area and quite far from my SD friends and adopted family. The most difficult part is that I still don't know exactly where I will be living or working. The apartment and moving dates are completely undetermined, thereby sending this compulsive control freak into a very strange place.

I believe the only thing that has kept me sane in recent days it to completly detatch from all daily decisions and bothersome emotions. Hopefully I can soon return to being myself, as this constant bleh feeling is simply not me. Deep laughter will be my first indication of my own personality returning, which I am looking forward to any day now...