SearchingForGrace

Stuff

2007-07-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

Things to learn...

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss...
cost more than I expected

2. I am listening to...
the gentle hum of my CPU

3. I talk..."ed"
yes, past and present—its true

4. I love...
until I can't let go

5. My first real kiss...
made me melt into gorgeous deep brown eyes

6. I hate it when people ask...
if I have found anyone special yet

7. Love is...
harder than people think

8. Marriage is...
misunderstood and underappreciated

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
just not often enough

10. I'll always...
serve

11. I really like...
San Diego sunsets

12. The last time I cried was because...

of my choices

13. My cell phone...
is less fused to me than it used to be

14. When I wake up in the morning...
I wish I didn't have a headache

15. Before I go to bed...
I take forever trying to get comfy

16. Right now I am thinking about...
going to visit downtown

17. Babies are...
what I want

18. I use the internet...
to pay bills, to see friends, to find stuff

19. Today I...
am happy

20. Tonight I will...
go to a drive in movie

21. Tomorrow it will be...
another day of vacation- yay

22. I really want to...
know I will be ok

Huray

2007-07-30T17:23:00.000-07:00

I am finally able to say that I have my first whole year of job. I get my first classroom for just me; not visiting and handing back, not borrowing all the markers, finally just for me. I signed a contract last week and I will be teaching fifth grade. Having just a bit of time to get ready is making me a trifle nervous, however, I am forcing myself to take a real break and enjoy this week off.

Pretty

2007-07-24T16:57:00.000-07:00

Because when it is this pretty, you can't refuse to share with the class...

Fred

2007-07-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

Some days just need someone else to do the talking. Thanks Fred.

Be

2007-07-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to be in a place in my life where I am just me. For so long I spent time trying to be other places, other people, or other forms of good. But right now I get the opportunity to just be.

Beside my sister there was an enormous shadow of hopes and expectations. For my parents it was not ever about what you chose to do for a living or where you chose to live but more about living a moral lifestyle, not an easy task for someone who always manages to choose the hard way of life's lessons. Having spent years in the shadow of someone who seemed to set the bar of those expectations, it is just now that I am able to be seen by my family aside from her. It was not easy to have such a wonderful sister, she had the friends, the suitors (yes I used that word), and the admiration of all who came in contact with her, including myself.

I was just sharing with Audrey about a particularly bad day in the park at sixteen when I broke down sobbing as someone attempted to tell me that "it would be ok, people would love me for who I was so I should just be myself". The comeback was a bit louder and more tear soaked that I intended, but it so eloquently erupted something like, "That's great! If I knew who I was I would know where to start!" At which time I was politely ushered into a smaller corner of the public area to finish my sobbing. It was not until that day the my sister had any idea how much I had been affected by her.

I am so glad that 11 years later we have such a great friendship. I treasure her so much. Even more so, I am grateful for the ability of one friend to turn on the light and show that the shadow need not be feared; to show me in fact, that in my own light, no other shadow existed. Thank you, without you I still wouldn't know.

Drama

2007-07-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

So how bout it actually is good drama--real drama. I just finished watching Haven, brought to you by the fine folks that created Crash. Apparently they are brief on their titles, but nothing else. The acting, storyline, and filming are fantastic but more than anything else is the amazing ability to catch an otherwise intelligent person off guard during the movie cause the audible "huh?". It is actually rare for a movie to that many steps outside of where I thought it would be headed.

Huzzah for the boom of good work done by independent film studios. It was also a chance for Orlando to work on the non-acting end of film making and co-produce something...sure hope he enjoyed it does it again.

By the way, if you still haven't watched Crash, you must do so soon. It is one of the most powerful films made this decade.

Finally

2007-07-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

It never fails that just when I think it can't possibly get any worse, that I cannot take on one more bit of drama or health trouble or pain, it happens... God sends me something to make me laugh. This week it was pure exhaustion mixed with mental images produced by a sunroof and a quick suggestion by Audrey, but before I knew it, I was laughing out loud.

Now for most people that may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but I have, in recent years, lost my ability to laugh. Only the problem with being funny is that you have laughter all around you and you forget that you haven't let go in so long that you have no idea how to do it anymore. I cannot imagine what it will take before I can just get back to good, but for now, I am enjoying every single time I hear ridiculously loud guffaws come from me (even though it still catches me by surprise).

Finishing

2007-06-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

I am just wrapping up the last days of the first whole year in teaching... Wow! I am so tired even my hair hurts today. I have spent so much time this week that on report cards and files and whatnots that all I want to do is clean and organize and not touch paper again for a while. The year was good, the job was temporary, and I am in the middle of job hunting yet again. After teaching summer school, I don't know where I will be; I am really hoping not to need to sub again.

As if this week wasn't hard enough, I also got to spend my Friday night ending the relationship that I spent the last four months in. It was a first for me, and while both good and necessary, it stunk. Opening up and trusting people is much harder that I ever thought, and in the past year I have realized how much I have messed up my very own mind by shutting off totally for fear of getting hurt. I suppose experiencing hurt is not the worst thing after all, loneliness beats it out every time.

Having spent the last year dealing with family drama and pain, I am also finishing my time as my family's peacemaker. All of my life has been stressful due to the acceptance of family drama and the desire to care for each of them until their problems were resolved. Simply for my own health, I am finding ways to deal with listening to other's problems without taking them on as my own. It is the healthiest I have been.

Homesick

2005-09-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

I miss home!!! This week has been hard. Work is good, home is great, and even though I am recovering from a cold, none of that has bothered me. Actually, I miss the beach, Santana's, Balboa, Coronado--even the stupid bridge, church (http://floodsandiego.com), little brother, my kid, and all my amazing friends there. I knew when I left San Diego that I would have many, many days of SD withdrawals, and here they are. Every one of my friends that I left behind, I miss you all excessively! How I wish we could have a bonfire and just hang. Here is my ode to my city:

As if having left there wasn't bad enough, I also have been missing Leona Valley. Family has not seen me in months and I am about to go crazy. I just want to go hang there for a while. Pictures of them, unfortunately, are far harder to come by...so I am going to go look at my pictures in frames on my wall and after that I will look up the cost of Southwest flights.

I have been having really good sub jobs lately and am beginning to get more comfortable in my new districts and cities. I have been adopted by new family up here, have made new friends, and gotten connected in a good church (http://woodlandgathering.com). I knew this move was going to be difficult, but I also know it was what I was supposed to do right now. Maybe soon I can head home, until then I will continue count the days. We shall see what comes next...

Time

2005-09-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time flies by. It took quite some time to settle in here, but it is beginning to feel like home.

Audrey and I have a fantastic roommate! She has been such a blessing and we truly miss her when she is gone for a few days (which happens frequently). The apt. has been named Homestead and nearly all boxes are unpacked! Woohoo! Audrey’s tiny dog can't join us just yet, but whenever she can come up with pet deposit money ($300), we will have one more roommate.

I have been a substitute teacher in just about every conceivable classroom. The only one left to try is Kindergarten, and I am actually hoping to avoid it. I finished up the hellish time of Special Day Class High School and moved on to Jr. High resource, second grade, high school ROP (child care worker) and typical elementary classroom teacher. I love the upper grades (fourth-sixth), and have been fortunate to focus my attention on those in the past few weeks. The days are not easy, and I often end up with a migraine, but I am enjoying myself and reveling in the free nights not spent in grading and lesson planning.

This week I have been learning about making use of time. I have had a few days off, and it simply drives me crazy not to go to work. After so many years of working so hard in classes and work and projects and friends, it is hard to have fewer friends, no classes, and work only during the hours of the typical day. My hobbies took a back seat--no, actually they took a total dismissal from my life during my college and credential days. So now, when I have a day off, I have nothing to keep me busy...you can only clean a small apartment so many times ;). Therefore, I have spent more time with my own thoughts, and hence, more time in prayer. It has been good to just be. I will let ya know what else I find to occupy the hours.

Home

2005-08-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am officially home. It is now the one-month anniversary of Audrey and I moving into our new pad. Homestead is mostly settled (still waiting on some closet doors and office organizers). Although I miss the wonderful city I left, I am beginning to adjust.

God has provided work, friends, family, and even a new church for me here, and I stand in awe. Please continue to miss me and keep me in your thoughts, as it is tough some days. I have been subbing in Special Day Class (special ed) at the high school level-- something I never thought I would do!

Here's to new experiences, contentment, and home.

Well I guess this is growing up...

2005-07-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

Great news! Audrey and I have a brother who will sign our lease and make the move in one week a reality!!! I am so very excited to have some actual concrete news as I have been packing my apartment but existing in complete limbo as to what final destination the moving truck would have.

However, as with all of life, it was not long before tears followed joy. I called my family members (three calls) to let them know what was going on, and rather than being excited, they say the most negative aspects. They even went out of their way to speak in hypothetical worst-case scenario. So, after much frustration and a few tears (well, it is my last day in San Diego...), I got of the phone and vented to a roommate and two friends. Audrey, M, and E were all exceptionally understanding and encouraging. I was most touched by E's comment: "So them causing that much drama for you is their way of saying that we can hardly bare to see you settle so far away because we love you so much and will miss you."

After an appropriate "awww," I agreed and then thanked God for such an amazing friend...who, for the record, will be an amazing husband to some fantastic girl---someday!

After years of trying to do everything right and be all that I could be, I have truly hit the breaking point of pleasing all of the family all of the time. I am not forgoing good counsel or refusing to ever call again, but I can no longer live based on the decisions of everyone else for my life. Thanks Audrey for helping me to see this clearly.

While I don't entirely agree with the entire sentiment of "Damn the man, save the empire," I am most certainly feeling these words today.

Truth

2005-07-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my favorite roommate and I talked all day long; and we did quite a bit of packing too. I usually love my conversations with M, but yesterday she saddened me.

You see, M has very different opinions on the world, which is fine, and makes for excellent conversation with more honesty than most of my friends will speak with. However, I often have to remind myself that she is still just 21, and has so much to learn. I think we could hardly be more different, but even that is ok. What really got to me is that she is now questioning everything she believes. I know that each person must go through this time, but to send her off to San Fran. with no support system while she already believes that religion is all just a political tool and that there is no real relationship with God, but all an imagined crutch. Yes, I did ask if she had been reading Marx again. The saddest part is that she is headed for a career that demands she not follow anyone else's path for her life. She has given up whatever she once believed about God, and chalked it up to the fact that it was a step taken in a culture of Christians during a difficult time in her life.

This all began because, as previously mentioned, we both watched Seven Years in Tibet (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0120102/) which, of course, sparked a discussion of religion. I cannot understand how she will reconcile her different opinions short of becoming a true atheist, which is a religion all its own. It certainly would fit both her political aspirations as well as her unresolved issues from her past. She now stands with the crowd that espouse the impossibility of there ever being any absolute truth. I am by no means giving up, but I am just a trifle worried about her. I pray that someday she will know, completely know the Author of Truth, and be willing to discover what He has to say about her life.

Education

2005-07-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

For once, I have something on my mind besides the endless questions of moving and packing and sorting and paperwork and lease terms and income requirements and aggggg!!!!!

Yesterday I watched Seven Years in Tibet. Now I did watch it years ago when it first came out, but I chose to give it another try (for the record, it is still amazingly slow and yes, it is still three hours of Brad trying to make his world better, and yes like most of his movies, he does cry). But the thing that struck me is how much more I was able to appreciate the underlying themes. Before attending my zillion classes which were to have made me such a better scholar, I didn't understand the cultural and spiritual references in most movies, let alone the political implications. Even though I grew up in a highly educated, political discussion type family, the fact is that I still didn't really get it. Perhaps it is the blond roots, but I am able to gain ever so much more since my time in endless classes and papers. I especially miss the discussions with my tree-hugging philosophy prof and my early-rising, tender-hearted, truly amazing history friend. Maybe later I will be able to get back in touch to remind them how much they influenced so many lives.

Friends...

2005-07-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

I want to take just a moment to thank all of my dear friends who have been with me over the years. Today, while sitting on my couch talking to my former roommates, current roommate, and good friends, I was suddenly hit with the harsh reality that I am leaving in two weeks. Now it isn't like I hadn't thought of this yet, just that it hadn't really set in that I would not be anywhere near the place or people with which I spent the last five years of my life, or even those with whom the first 20 were spent...

So here's to good friends; those that have made me laugh, those that can make me cry, those that hold me when I need help, and those that have the guts to call me out when I need it. I will miss you dearly, can't wait to hang out on visits. Here's to new friends I have yet to make, and great times I will never forget on both ends of this amazing state.

Oh, yah, and here's to my favorite place...truly America's Finest City:

Faith

2005-07-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

So... All of life is constantly changing. I have learned so much about faith and reliance in the past few weeks, even as someone who can give great advice about trusting God. I really am saddened that it takes no other options before we are generally willing to release our futures to an all-powerful and all-caring Creator.

Either way, here I am...trusting and stepping out in faith. It is the scaryest thing I have done in quite some time, but I am moving again! And, to top it off, I just found out yesterday that we will not have the benefit of lower income from a third roommate. K did not feel it was right at this time, so we totally agreed that she will find her own way following God's perfect path for her next step. However, that leaves Audrey and myself with a large rent and little income. Not that we can't make it work, we arn't foolish, but it will certainly be tight for a while till we can pay off some of our debts and then see where we are.

That is where this whole faith thing comes in. You see, for a while I was fine with trusting and not knowing what was coming next. Then I got sick, and began to sulk and went deep into depression. Then I was fine and myself again. Last night, when I found out about K, I sort of freaked for about 24 hours and was trying every which way to crunch the numbers and find a way to make it work without moving back to my parent's home for a while. I could save thousands if I returned to my hometown of LV for five months. So after exactly a day of pure worry (the real, can't think about eating or listen to a good friend tell a story kind), I made up my mind. Just because it will be tough does not mean it is not right.

I now am finalizing and packing, moving in 17 days! Please pray for my sanity, and especially for my job situation. I really do need to get started working just as soon as I can. Of course, I someone wanted to hire me last minute for a real position, I wouldn't complain either...

Change

2005-07-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while since I have even bothered to open this, but here is the reason...I am moving in just 3 weeks! I have been up in the air with just about every area of my life. My finances, my new job situation, my housing situation, etc. However, we very nearly have everything set. That is to say, we now have an apartment being held until the moving date of July 30th. For what its worth, it looks like this:

It has two bedrooms, 1.5 bath, and is a townhouse. The complex is very safe. We will live in number 42.

There is just one little hitch. On paper, I do not make enough money to cover the proper amount of 3x the monthly rent. Now I did explain that I just finished student teaching and all, but alas, they care not. So here is what I am asking you to pray for (we have a few options):
1. Katie decides that she would like to live with us (which would also bring down the cost of rent)
2. Jenna gets hired in the next few weeks with City Hall
3. I receive a sudden invitation to teach full time
4. We can pull together the resources to knock over a bank and score six months worth of rent, which, for the record, is about $6,000!
5. Jenna's dad agrees to help us by loaning the money (which would certainly have less legal entrapments than option 4)

So there it is. Now all we need is to sit back and see how God will provide for us. I am not speaking foolishly here; God has directed every step of the way and I have amazing peace that He will show his power now as well (you all know I do not deal well with change, especially when I have no idea what is coming next and I am totally out of control). I am blessed with joy and excitement as well. We shall see...

Searching

2005-06-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

The time has finally come to address the title of these notes: grace. I think the human soul is always searching for grace, simply to exist, much less to feel meaningful and free.

So to such end, I will not comment myself, but rather pose the question to you, what is grace, exactly? How does it come into our lives? Also, what misconceptions and abuses have people tied to this concept?

Stretching

2005-06-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Just a thought...Why is stretching so very difficult? I am not referring to the shocking lack of muscle flexibility that has recently ensued, but rather of the ongoing process that God takes his children through. Quite often I am reminded of the fact that we do not benefit by running away from difficult situations or people; generally, the very next situation comes built in with the exact type of person from whom you have just bolted.

Now I am not advacating that people stay in miserable or abusive situations so that they can learn from the stress. By no means, I am mearly contending that God places such people in our lives to gently (or sometimes not so gently) grind off the bothersome edges of our personalities. Perhaps this is why most people need to get married or find a best friend, to have a person that actually cares enough to continue working on you long after you have quit.

Todays musings were brought about by another round of roommate drama with the one "friend" I never should have been able to live with. On paper it was a bad idea from the start. We disagree on nearly everything! However, I have done my best to take what God has to teach me from this situation and learn so that I am the one being stretched, the one benefiting from this drama. I can only say that I cannot wait to live with a friend who gently curbs my personality, but with all the love and patience I can only sometimes understand.

Thrive

2005-06-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting that a health care company would recently take on a catch line of "thrive." Is that not what each human ought to be doing? Why would it take a television commercial to remind me that I have been marking time rather than making a difference.

To such a revelation I can only respond, "OK, then." I must now discover where my life became so monotinous and seek to revive the tradition of goals clarification. My roommate has taken to posting her goals on the refrigerator. This obvious, constant reminder helps her to keep her life focused on what she would like to accomplish. I, therefore, have now decided to clarify my own goals.

Until such time as they are settled, this will be my aim: move to Woodland, gain back my joy, spend more time talking to God, work out and eat healthy so I can stop feeling dead everyday. I am determined to return to myself, not the depressed, snappy version that has overtaken my body in recent weeks. I am ever so grateful for friends that will call me on it, but love me through as well.

Existing

2005-06-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Some days are wonderful and some are tragic. Life for today feels only in the middle. Someone asked me today when was the last time I cried, then they asked when is the last time I laughed. Sadly, it has been a while since either. I have been wondering around in pure existence. Neither good nor bad emotions of any strength have recently dominated my world.

As I break it down, I realize that it mainly stems from my whole world being up in the air. I have, after serious and constant mental gymnastics, decided to relocate to Woodland, CA (just outside Sac.). This was one of the most difficult decisions I have made in recent years. Not only will I be leaving my favorite city, and the ocean that has the power to calm me, but I will also be moving further from my family in LA area and quite far from my SD friends and adopted family. The most difficult part is that I still don't know exactly where I will be living or working. The apartment and moving dates are completely undetermined, thereby sending this compulsive control freak into a very strange place.

I believe the only thing that has kept me sane in recent days it to completly detatch from all daily decisions and bothersome emotions. Hopefully I can soon return to being myself, as this constant bleh feeling is simply not me. Deep laughter will be my first indication of my own personality returning, which I am looking forward to any day now...

Beginnings

2005-05-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

As with all new things, this may take me some time to acclimate to. We all know that I am not the best at accepting change. But along with the general public, I am now officially blogging! It shall remain to be seen if I manage to write anything worth being read.