Stuff

Things to learn...

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss...
cost more than I expected

2. I am listening to...
the gentle hum of my CPU

3. I talk..."ed"
yes, past and present—its true

4. I love...
until I can't let go

5. My first real kiss...
made me melt into gorgeous deep brown eyes

6. I hate it when people ask...
if I have found anyone special yet

7. Love is...
harder than people think

8. Marriage is...
misunderstood and underappreciated

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
just not often enough

10. I'll always...
serve

11. I really like...
San Diego sunsets

12. The last time I cried was because...

of my choices

13. My cell phone...
is less fused to me than it used to be

14. When I wake up in the morning...
I wish I didn't have a headache

15. Before I go to bed...
I take forever trying to get comfy

16. Right now I am thinking about...
going to visit downtown

17. Babies are...
what I want

18. I use the internet...
to pay bills, to see friends, to find stuff

19. Today I...
am happy

20. Tonight I will...
go to a drive in movie

21. Tomorrow it will be...
another day of vacation- yay

22. I really want to...
know I will be ok

Huray

I am finally able to say that I have my first whole year of job. I get my first classroom for just me; not visiting and handing back, not borrowing all the markers, finally just for me. I signed a contract last week and I will be teaching fifth grade. Having just a bit of time to get ready is making me a trifle nervous, however, I am forcing myself to take a real break and enjoy this week off.

Pretty

Because when it is this pretty, you can't refuse to share with the class...

Fred

Some days just need someone else to do the talking. Thanks Fred.

Be

I am so happy to be in a place in my life where I am just me. For so long I spent time trying to be other places, other people, or other forms of good. But right now I get the opportunity to just be.

Beside my sister there was an enormous shadow of hopes and expectations. For my parents it was not ever about what you chose to do for a living or where you chose to live but more about living a moral lifestyle, not an easy task for someone who always manages to choose the hard way of life's lessons. Having spent years in the shadow of someone who seemed to set the bar of those expectations, it is just now that I am able to be seen by my family aside from her. It was not easy to have such a wonderful sister, she had the friends, the suitors (yes I used that word), and the admiration of all who came in contact with her, including myself.

I was just sharing with Audrey about a particularly bad day in the park at sixteen when I broke down sobbing as someone attempted to tell me that "it would be ok, people would love me for who I was so I should just be myself". The comeback was a bit louder and more tear soaked that I intended, but it so eloquently erupted something like, "That's great! If I knew who I was I would know where to start!" At which time I was politely ushered into a smaller corner of the public area to finish my sobbing. It was not until that day the my sister had any idea how much I had been affected by her.

I am so glad that 11 years later we have such a great friendship. I treasure her so much. Even more so, I am grateful for the ability of one friend to turn on the light and show that the shadow need not be feared; to show me in fact, that in my own light, no other shadow existed. Thank you, without you I still wouldn't know.

Drama

So how bout it actually is good drama--real drama. I just finished watching Haven, brought to you by the fine folks that created Crash. Apparently they are brief on their titles, but nothing else. The acting, storyline, and filming are fantastic but more than anything else is the amazing ability to catch an otherwise intelligent person off guard during the movie cause the audible "huh?". It is actually rare for a movie to that many steps outside of where I thought it would be headed.

Huzzah for the boom of good work done by independent film studios. It was also a chance for Orlando to work on the non-acting end of film making and co-produce something...sure hope he enjoyed it does it again.

By the way, if you still haven't watched Crash, you must do so soon. It is one of the most powerful films made this decade.

Finally

It never fails that just when I think it can't possibly get any worse, that I cannot take on one more bit of drama or health trouble or pain, it happens... God sends me something to make me laugh. This week it was pure exhaustion mixed with mental images produced by a sunroof and a quick suggestion by Audrey, but before I knew it, I was laughing out loud.

Now for most people that may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but I have, in recent years, lost my ability to laugh. Only the problem with being funny is that you have laughter all around you and you forget that you haven't let go in so long that you have no idea how to do it anymore. I cannot imagine what it will take before I can just get back to good, but for now, I am enjoying every single time I hear ridiculously loud guffaws come from me (even though it still catches me by surprise).

Finishing

I am just wrapping up the last days of the first whole year in teaching... Wow! I am so tired even my hair hurts today. I have spent so much time this week that on report cards and files and whatnots that all I want to do is clean and organize and not touch paper again for a while. The year was good, the job was temporary, and I am in the middle of job hunting yet again. After teaching summer school, I don't know where I will be; I am really hoping not to need to sub again.

As if this week wasn't hard enough, I also got to spend my Friday night ending the relationship that I spent the last four months in. It was a first for me, and while both good and necessary, it stunk. Opening up and trusting people is much harder that I ever thought, and in the past year I have realized how much I have messed up my very own mind by shutting off totally for fear of getting hurt. I suppose experiencing hurt is not the worst thing after all, loneliness beats it out every time.

Having spent the last year dealing with family drama and pain, I am also finishing my time as my family's peacemaker. All of my life has been stressful due to the acceptance of family drama and the desire to care for each of them until their problems were resolved. Simply for my own health, I am finding ways to deal with listening to other's problems without taking them on as my own. It is the healthiest I have been.